Ep3: Chemistry

            My heat was exploding, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, how could I face him?

            For over 20 years my marriage had been a war, physically I had lost every battle and sometimes my spirit was broken, but I always seemed to recover, just enough for the next time I bore many physical scars on my body, but these were nothing to the emotional damage, that was the real and lasting punishment.

            My life was like laying a record that jumped, I never got past the same old passage, I could not progress to the end, he maintained his power his position in the house with violence. I did not know how to fight back, I was scared, but was I just not competent, I cannot fight back in a confrontation, | don’t know how, I just give in, submit to my fate, whatever that is.

            He was handsome almost 6 foot tall straight nose, broad smile and charming, and that made him physically attractive. He received praise from his Doctor colleagues and many compliments from the Doctors wives. When he played guitar and sang love songs many fell for his chemistry, outwardly he was a wonderful man.

            In his profession he was acknowledged as one of the best physiatrists and in his clinic I could see how effective he was, really a very good Doctor, but in reality he had to be untamed disruptive, a loner, no one could get close to him, I was always ready waiting for the expected explosion.

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Ep2 : My Mother

            The pain begins to ease with each passing mile. I want to tell my Mom……” I’m sorry I have failed I lost the battle I am defeated by my marriage" but I can’t tell them.

My Mother was a very traditional Taiwanese woman, she was educated in the way of Japanese woman during their occupation of Taiwan. She was quiet, spoke softly and not once did hear her raise her voice. Her compassionate nature often lead others to think she was weak, but in fact she was the exact opposite, she was strong willed and had a steely determination to quietly go about doing what she thought was the right thing to do. I think I have inherited her determination and strength to absorb and hide my painful marriage. 23 Years and very few people on this earth know the truth of my marriage.

Returning to my mother’s house, my home, I feel I just want to rush to her arms and cry to release all the anguish, pain and suffering, it would help me, but I can’t hand some of my burden to my Mom, she does not deserve that, I know how much it would hurt her, I can’t do that!

I spend a full week at my Mom’s resting and recovering, then as I lay upstairs, I heard a knocking at the front door, my blood ran cold, I just knew.

My elder sister opened the door and I could hear her raised voice “how could you do this to my sister, your wife, how can you abuse her in this heartless way”

I could hear everything through the wood floor of the Japanese house. For a moment there was silence, then I heard my mother’s soft tones “you are respected medical doctor with high education at your age and background you should know how to control your temper, you are irrational, it’s time you changed”

           There was a pause, the “Yes, I will Mom" Then, the sound of heavy steps coming up the narrow wooden stairs, it was like being trapped in a horror movie, but this was not fiction, my heat was thumping and racing thought it was going to burst out of my body,……………… why won’t he leave me alone?


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Ep1 : Unconscious

Extracts from The Diary of Wu Mei Fen

            From my unconscious state and the pain in my head my eyelids began to part to reveal 2 shadows in front of me and a soft fully voice ……." she’s awake my goodness how could someone beat her like this “.

            To try to speak was just too painful through the pain in my head,I closed my eyes and began to drift off, so tired only want to sleep.

            3 Days later ……I awake again, this time my eyes open cautiously to reveal the two shadows I could make out my son Chocolate and my best friend Chin they were next to my bed and crying with my bruised and broker body the pain prevented me from speaking, I could not even think, it was just too much effort.

            In my mind I could see white angels flying in a circle around me ……Have they come for me, am I saved……

            “can you hear me ,… can you hear me." In a slight whisper an angel was calling me, but this to me caused pain in my head, I wanted to answer, I feel myself going under again and my soul cannot speak.

            My son who should have been in High School checked me out of the hospital and hastily took me to a secret small flat he had borrowed to hide me away from his Dad, my husband. Day or night was all the same to me,I was a homeless wounded puppy weak cold and in fear hiding to give me time to lick my wounds,I slip in and out of long sleeps and the days just come and go.

           Each time I find the strength to open my eyes, I can make out my son, ice pack in hand gently caressing my swollen face, how many days had he been there, hiding my hand cooling my wounds no child should have to do this for his Mom………. he must love me! I could only moan softly and shed painful tears that blurred my sight…….. “Oh God, have not paid enough how long I live like this……maybe I don’t want to live…..like this"

            I can now make out my son, his eyes swollen his face frozen and distressed", oh dear my poor son, why has it come to this, how can he be dragged into this……

            I want my Mom and Dad, I want to go HOME, Please take me home……..please

            I just can’t show my Mom and Dad my bruised and swollen face, it would destroy them, but they

would never know, every time I was beaten I just wanted to run home to them. I supress my tears and never cry in front of my parents, I have to overcome the urge to cry and hide

my pain and sadness. My only outlet for my feelings is my diary, I talk through my diary, I pour

everything into my diary, but this time I cannot overcome the hurt, I need to go home. But before I can go, I have to wait for the swelling to go ice pack after icepack, for days until my face is numb and I can feel nothing.

            I Can’t wait to see my Mom and Dad,I just want to be their child again seek their embracing comfort and security, but I have to wait they cannot see me like this, I want them to know nothing.

            Two Weeks being tended by my son, ice packs and eventually I begin to recover to feel strong enough to board the train to my home town, my disabled shell is outwardly recovering, but inside my head…..I just can’t think!

            The train heading north,heading home,the paddy fields rush past,the familiar sight and smells of the country take me back to my childhood my family and the sanctuary of home. My body is fragile and the shaking of the train causes pain to surge through my head,I have to support my head in my two hands to steady it and help reduce the echoing pain. I feel like a defeated wounded and exhausted soldier returning home leaving the honors of war behind…… until the next time.

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The Hidden life Diary of a Doctor’s wife in Taiwan

I was born in Changhua, Taiwan, I grew up a happy child with my 6 siblings in a male dominated society. My life in the early days up to about 12 was quite privelidged with my domineering but loving father working hard building a very successful business that provided us with a luxury life. Sadly that was not to last, my father began to succumb to the pleasures that wealth can bring and his generosity to others, gambling, women and alcohol soon turned our lives around we became a large family struggling to make ends meet with a loving but alcoholic father. He loved his kids and my mom, but it was my mom that suffered as the target of his severe mood changes, but she never fought back or seemed angry, at all times she remained calm and acceptant of her fate Little did I know that in years to come my life would follow that same path.

            I had a wonderful childhood in a loving family with some of the privileges afforded to me as my father’s favourite daughter. My life was full of innocence and fun…….. right up to the point where I married. He was the most handsome of all the Doctors a brilliant Physiatrist with the prospects of a brilliant career ahead of him. But behind the façade was a black side that was to bring me close to suicide on many occasions, only the strength drew from my three beautiful children gave me the courage to carry on living this secret life, to outsiders the perfect, rich and successful family, but once the door was closed and I was alone with him, my life was full of anguish, threats and beatings.

            Because of my kids I stayed in this horrible marriage and only a few close friends knew of the troubled life I was leading, violence, drugs and beatings. I promised myself one day when the kids are grown up, then my life will begin, but what I didn’t know was that how true that would be.

            After 23 years one of the beatings eventually lead to a court order which meant he would have to leave the family home and little did I know on that very same day I would meet the man, a foreigner from the other side of the world that would turn my life on its head. All it took was one hug and in that hug I felt all the love, protection and warmth that I had craved for 23 years. That hug was all I needed.

For all these past 35 years my escape was my diary,I recorded all my feelings and the events, it helped so much it was a little release from the dark side of my life.

In the recent past and from my home in England I would like to think my diaries might just be able to help others understand the secret lives of those women that have suffered in silence at the hands of an abusive husband. It’s not as bad I have three wonderful kids and now I am at last content, I still carry some physical and mental scars, but I’m safe, loved and feel free.

I still love Taiwan and my now ex-husband has passed away.I hope you find these diary extracts an insight into the life of a family that despite the curse of a violent husband survived and made them and me what we are today.

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