EP4 : Respect

            He had to release all his stress and anger and I became the enemy, the way to offload all is negative internal feelings, I was the release!

            Perhaps this was why he married me I was vulnerable, an easy target, but unfortunately his unhappiness was burying me.

            When I look back to the days before we married, we both worked in the same hospital and often we both took out guitars to work and together we played and sang all of the songs written by our college Dr Yang. Sometime we would go through his entire song book, this was a real pleasure a good time and the time just flew by.

            During the weekends arranged for 6 or 7 of my colleagues to visit the Blind Children’s Home in Taichung, He was one of us and he played guitar and we all sang with the children. It enriched our lives to see the pleasure and the smiles it brought to the faces of the children. Sadly we realized that many of the parents never actually visited these kids and so we increased the frequency of our visits.

            On evening after one of these visits we all went for supper to a local restaurant. After the dinner, the waitress came over to clear the tables, he was sitting alone in the corner and the waitress asked him to pass his plates, he refused and said “Isn’t that your job". I was shocked by his attitude and his response and I thought how rude he is

             I remember I wrote in my diary, I could never marry a man who had such a short temper and lack of respect for others.

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Ep3: Chemistry

            My heat was exploding, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, how could I face him?

            For over 20 years my marriage had been a war, physically I had lost every battle and sometimes my spirit was broken, but I always seemed to recover, just enough for the next time I bore many physical scars on my body, but these were nothing to the emotional damage, that was the real and lasting punishment.

            My life was like laying a record that jumped, I never got past the same old passage, I could not progress to the end, he maintained his power his position in the house with violence. I did not know how to fight back, I was scared, but was I just not competent, I cannot fight back in a confrontation, | don’t know how, I just give in, submit to my fate, whatever that is.

            He was handsome almost 6 foot tall straight nose, broad smile and charming, and that made him physically attractive. He received praise from his Doctor colleagues and many compliments from the Doctors wives. When he played guitar and sang love songs many fell for his chemistry, outwardly he was a wonderful man.

            In his profession he was acknowledged as one of the best physiatrists and in his clinic I could see how effective he was, really a very good Doctor, but in reality he had to be untamed disruptive, a loner, no one could get close to him, I was always ready waiting for the expected explosion.

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Ep2 : My Mother

            The pain begins to ease with each passing mile. I want to tell my Mom……” I’m sorry I have failed I lost the battle I am defeated by my marriage" but I can’t tell them.

My Mother was a very traditional Taiwanese woman, she was educated in the way of Japanese woman during their occupation of Taiwan. She was quiet, spoke softly and not once did hear her raise her voice. Her compassionate nature often lead others to think she was weak, but in fact she was the exact opposite, she was strong willed and had a steely determination to quietly go about doing what she thought was the right thing to do. I think I have inherited her determination and strength to absorb and hide my painful marriage. 23 Years and very few people on this earth know the truth of my marriage.

Returning to my mother’s house, my home, I feel I just want to rush to her arms and cry to release all the anguish, pain and suffering, it would help me, but I can’t hand some of my burden to my Mom, she does not deserve that, I know how much it would hurt her, I can’t do that!

I spend a full week at my Mom’s resting and recovering, then as I lay upstairs, I heard a knocking at the front door, my blood ran cold, I just knew.

My elder sister opened the door and I could hear her raised voice “how could you do this to my sister, your wife, how can you abuse her in this heartless way”

I could hear everything through the wood floor of the Japanese house. For a moment there was silence, then I heard my mother’s soft tones “you are respected medical doctor with high education at your age and background you should know how to control your temper, you are irrational, it’s time you changed”

           There was a pause, the “Yes, I will Mom" Then, the sound of heavy steps coming up the narrow wooden stairs, it was like being trapped in a horror movie, but this was not fiction, my heat was thumping and racing thought it was going to burst out of my body,……………… why won’t he leave me alone?

 

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Ep1 : Unconscious

Extracts from The Diary of Wu Mei Fen

            From my unconscious state and the pain in my head my eyelids began to part to reveal 2 shadows in front of me and a soft fully voice ……." she’s awake my goodness how could someone beat her like this “.

            To try to speak was just too painful through the pain in my head,I closed my eyes and began to drift off, so tired only want to sleep.

            3 Days later ……I awake again, this time my eyes open cautiously to reveal the two shadows I could make out my son Chocolate and my best friend Chin they were next to my bed and crying with my bruised and broker body the pain prevented me from speaking, I could not even think, it was just too much effort.

            In my mind I could see white angels flying in a circle around me ……Have they come for me, am I saved……

            “can you hear me ,… can you hear me." In a slight whisper an angel was calling me, but this to me caused pain in my head, I wanted to answer, I feel myself going under again and my soul cannot speak.

            My son who should have been in High School checked me out of the hospital and hastily took me to a secret small flat he had borrowed to hide me away from his Dad, my husband. Day or night was all the same to me,I was a homeless wounded puppy weak cold and in fear hiding to give me time to lick my wounds,I slip in and out of long sleeps and the days just come and go.

           Each time I find the strength to open my eyes, I can make out my son, ice pack in hand gently caressing my swollen face, how many days had he been there, hiding my hand cooling my wounds no child should have to do this for his Mom………. he must love me! I could only moan softly and shed painful tears that blurred my sight…….. “Oh God, have not paid enough how long I live like this……maybe I don’t want to live…..like this"

            I can now make out my son, his eyes swollen his face frozen and distressed", oh dear my poor son, why has it come to this, how can he be dragged into this……

            I want my Mom and Dad, I want to go HOME, Please take me home……..please

            I just can’t show my Mom and Dad my bruised and swollen face, it would destroy them, but they

would never know, every time I was beaten I just wanted to run home to them. I supress my tears and never cry in front of my parents, I have to overcome the urge to cry and hide

my pain and sadness. My only outlet for my feelings is my diary, I talk through my diary, I pour

everything into my diary, but this time I cannot overcome the hurt, I need to go home. But before I can go, I have to wait for the swelling to go ice pack after icepack, for days until my face is numb and I can feel nothing.

            I Can’t wait to see my Mom and Dad,I just want to be their child again seek their embracing comfort and security, but I have to wait they cannot see me like this, I want them to know nothing.

            Two Weeks being tended by my son, ice packs and eventually I begin to recover to feel strong enough to board the train to my home town, my disabled shell is outwardly recovering, but inside my head…..I just can’t think!

            The train heading north,heading home,the paddy fields rush past,the familiar sight and smells of the country take me back to my childhood my family and the sanctuary of home. My body is fragile and the shaking of the train causes pain to surge through my head,I have to support my head in my two hands to steady it and help reduce the echoing pain. I feel like a defeated wounded and exhausted soldier returning home leaving the honors of war behind…… until the next time.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.